Carpe Diem.

Since I completely trashed my last post with my rambelings, I'll give this one a break.

I found no better way to convey what I want to say than through this short dialogue. 

Some things are meant to be but stops, to discover a little more about who you are and move on to put your mark else where. Moreover, happiness, completion and what not, does not lie in another individual. Actually, they lie within ourselves. Sometimes our interaction with others is a way we subconsiously communicate to the self- a call to look beyond the superficial image and claim our own happiness. 

In the end, life is all about self discovery. The people you meet, and the places you go, are but littles of peices of yourself, either yet unfound or yet to be understood. 

Carpe Diem ;)

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"No No No. That wasn't how it was supposed to happen".

"But it’s the way it happened nonetheless."

"It was great. It was supposed to grow, and develop and become something nice."

"Well, it didn't grow. It ended instead."

"Ugh. Aren't you mad, sad, frustrated?"

"Should I be?"

"Yes. Yes you should be. It was perfect. It was supposed to last."

"Perfect was far from what it was. And last, it did not".

"Fine. He was perfect"

"No. He has his flaws."

"Okay. You were perfect for each other."

"Apparently, life doesn't agree with you on that point."

"I don't care about life. Do you agree with me on that point?"

"No, sadly I don't either."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because he resurrects an old part of me that drags me farther away from the me I want to be."

"Yeah, but it's all you in the end you know - past and present. Besides, everything else was fine."

"Maybe. But only because you couldn't see the invisible barriers."

"Barriers are nothing, if not made to make it all harder. But you overcome them."

"What if I secretly don't want to? Because they provide a rare comfort as opposed to vulnerability?"

"Shouldn't you be feeling crushed?"

"Not really, no."

"I know I would be."

"No one has that kind of power over me. It's lethal."

"Then how are you feeling?"

"A part of my mind mourns the loss of a worthy adversary.It will wear black for along while. But a bigger part of my mind claims its needto make new footprints along a fresh path."

"So this was all just a place where you left footprints?"

"I guess"

"I fail to understand. You finally meet someone you can bond with on that high up plane. And when it's over. You're okay."

"I'm not okay. I'm just aware that it has happened and is no longer happening."

"Listen, things don't just 'happen' like that. You were fine, happy for a while. It should of continued being happy."

"Things always 'happen' just like that. A mere action, a spoken word or a perception can change larger outcomes."

"Look just tell me really, what happened?"

"It's simple really. I am who I am, right? Yet, I am not enough of who I want to be. Me and him was just another way for me to find out more about the person that I am, as opposed to the one that I want to be . And when I found out all I needed to know, then that just marked the end."

"You know I hate when you go all philosophical on my ass."

"No. I'm saying he was just a stop, as nice of a stop as it was - he wasn't my destination. Just a stop."

"Like a bus?"

"Ugh. You have a very skilled way of just killing everything."

"And you have a very skilled way of just being numb. Feel a little."

"I try feel enough. Not more, not less. Just enough to keep me going."

"Uhuh. Brick"

"I beg to differ."

"Block of steel."

"Dropping topic."

Carpe Diem ;)

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That's what the human being is.

Yet the human being lives in his mind, not his heart. A mind composed of both the conscious and the subconscious. He lives in his consciousness, where his thoughts and feelings act as a silent guide.

His consciousness and subconcsiousness work together, side by side.

The consciousness in its acute sense of awareness, is where he is most alert.

The subconscious is where the rationality of things pales - a part of the mind yet unknown. It's where his memories recollect.

Together, they form the greatest optical illusion of all time. One that cannot be matched.

An illusion where his desires and realties combat. Where his ignorance sometimes prevails.Where his quest for his personal truth begins and ends. Where his affections arise. Where his morals, or lack of are engrained. Where his dreams float and his goals are formed. Where his ambitions are pursued, and his failures and sucesses are reflected upon. Where his affections grow.

It's his inner security.

It's his greatest prison.

Invisible bars that cage him in, allowing him to retreat in his shell, restricted to his own pleas and cravings. To select and bestow his affection to those 'special' few.

Its where his personal bias resides and nourishes. 

****

We all self indulge in our illusions. They make the world a prettier place. But pretty is nothing when compared to the purity of things. To the clarity and correctness which we overlook. A purity shielded by our perception.

To seek true freedom, is not to be legal. Nor to be accepted in society. Nor to be allowed to walk the earth as one pleases. Nor does it lie in being able to say what comes to mind.

No. True freedom lies in the liberation of the mind. It lies in stepping outside of the bars, penetrating the illusion and seeing our suspension in time and space as a whole - a chance to experience one's self with in a system. A system known to us as 'the universe'. A system of  which we are a part, but nothing without.

Agreed. Such freedom is asymptotic in its very nature. But we can get very close. 

This is me making provision for my future:

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Hey Honey aka Hubby!

Wherever you are.

Whoever you might be.

I decided to write you.

Why you ask?

I'm late for everything. Late for applying to uni. Late to uni. Late to the airpor(I'm the person who's name you hear being called out in the speaker asking me to *hurry my ass up and get on the goddman plane*). I'm late growing my wisdom teeth (they haven't showed up yet). I'm late remembering birthdays.

So yeah.

I'm being early for once.

And I'm writing to you.

You know. Just so you're prepared.

And so I have the satisfaction of being early!

Weird, you say.

Mutually beneficial, I reply.

So yes. Hi there honey.

Oh, consider yourself lucky, 'cause 'honey' is all the endearment you're ever going to get from these lips of mine.

"Love" *snorts* - The only person I call love, is when I'm in a meeting with me, myself and I. They're the love.

"Baby" - If I call you that, then what I am going to call the baby we're going to procreate?

"My Other half" - *pfft*. I was born complete. The first half is me. The second half is me. A half and a half, well that makes a whole me =). 

"My Soul Mate" - Lucky for you I don't believe in that crap, honey, because well that might mean when I marry you, and you're not my soul mate then I'll be miserable and blame you. And that won't be your cup tea. Hell, it won't even be close to your glass of guava juice. 

"Dear" - That's what I plan on calling the baby when she/he grows up.

There, now that's all settled - and no hard feelings honey, all this is for our future happines, whenever that might be - we can get to the details.

Hmm. Yes. The details.

Honey, do me a favor. Go to www.dictionary.com and look up 'marry'. You'll get something like this:

"mar·ry [márree] - transitive verb- to join two people in marriage: to officiate at somebody's marriage ceremony and give legal sanction or a religious blessing to the marriage."

Now read that again honey.

And then make sure you never associate that with the word 'marry'. Ever. 'Cause guess what? This time the dictionary's wrong!

Here's what 'marry' really means and if I were you, I would start memorizing:

"mar·ry [márree] - transitive verb - to share your life with someone, making every single nano-second matter. They become your paparazzi and you in turn become theirs, just no where near as annoying. You don't expect anything out of them that you're not willing to do either. You treat them as your equal, in the full meaning of the word. And never ever give them the bullshit about the men women issue."

Commit that to memory honey.

Oh, and notice how I didn't change the 'transitive verb' part - that's because that's what it is. When and if its over honey, you'll just be another transition to go through. Don't for a second think my life will end with you. Save that idea for the 1000 episode Mexican soaps.  

So where was I?

Oh yes- When I marry you, don’t for a second think you can go Macho on my ass. I'll just go all blowtorch on your balls =). I don't have any, but believe me; I can imagine it would kill. De-manned. Impotent for life. So think twice honey before you do something stupid like that. Your balls are on the line.  

Speaking of balls honey, when we pro-create, I want you experienced honey, so you can take me high up to the seventh sky.

Oh, and honey try showing those balls of your to anyone else when I marry you, and guess what you'll be. Yup, you got it. A eunuch. Aka castrated human male. And I'll keep ‘em in a jar for you to look at. And when they shrivel up and die, remember that's what happens when you smother a rose in a jar too. And right again honey, I'm the rose and you're the jar. So don't smother me honey, I don't like it. I need my air and space, so don't take ‘em from me.

What's more, you have to get my dry sarcasm honey. Because it's a dry as saw dust right now, and I don't know what state it will be in when I marry you. But one thing's for sure - it'll only get drier :p

Also, honey, you can't tell me what to do, unless you want me telling what you do. That's what kids are for honey. Tell them what to do. I'll tell you a secret honey: they made disobedience and then they made me :P. So, I'll be in charge of what I do.  Guide me- sure. Help me out- no problem. Give me your opinion -with arms wide open.

You don't have to love me honey, you just have to get me. Love alone is for fools. You just have to match me stroke for stroke every step of our time together- how ever long that might be - and throw back at me my caustic remarks with corrosive ones of your own. You have to neutralize me honey. That's all I'm asking. If you want to love me too, well I'll consider it a bonus, and you a paragon of generosity. And if that happens, then I'll negotiate with me, myself and I, and I'll try to give you a small corner of my heart. I can't promise you anything but a corner. And even that you'll probably have to work overtime to earn - extra nightshifts; p etc. Maybe you'll slowly work your way up. Who knows honey. Anything is possible. The Jonas Brothers are a hit band, and Hannah Montanna is not just your ordinary cowgirl - or so I'm told. See, I told you anything is possible.

And that little corner of my heart's got no warranty, honey. 'Cause once you damage it, you can't just go back and fix it. Damage it, and the Wrath of Con will be something bearable, by far.

So don't damage it honey. Take good care of it. It's that simple really.

But don't worry honey. This is just an early ultimatum - a life buoy if you must.

How considerate of me, you say.

I know, I reply.

Honey, its common sense. Handle me properly, and I'll give you wings. Fail to do so, and an early retirement to the underworld might not seem like such a bad idea.

That's all I really have to say for now, honey.

Thanks for listening honey.

Till we meet officially honey ;)

Bye Bye honey. 

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Future outlook: Promising? Yes? No? Meh. I tried.

Carpe Diem ;)

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