Accidentally On Purpose.

Yes. I've emerged out of the void. About time too. Really. This idea kind of unwound itself as my fingers clashed with the keyboard and hungrily ravished it. And through some strangely coiled process it is what it is now. Whether you'll like it or not, well that's really out of my hands and for you to tell me ;p.,

I hope you do enjoy and can relate in your own private spheres and/or planes.

Till next time ;)

An elongated sigh escaped me. Trapped in my room, it bounced from wall to wall. And came right back at me. I stared at it with a 'meet your maker' glare, and created its sister: an even longer sigh (if such is possible, since sigh #1 was really long!)

The moment was followed by one of counterfeit silence - seeing as I somehow couldn't exclude the AC drumming, the clock ticking and the something expanding and contracting. Oh right, the expanding and contracting would be me. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale - you know, the elementary motions of life amongst other things.

Suddenly I get the feeling that I'm a jar, and someone just accidentally on purpose knocked me off the shelf, and all my contents came pouring. What happened to the jar you ask? I'll tell you: its plastic, not glass. Hence it survived. No splintering, no brittle peices, and evidently no replacing. If anything, I take my necessary precautions.

Rule: Try to never smash into smithereens.

It's right up there with breathing. Notice, the keyword being 'try', because if you've been overruled by Judge Life, then you are officially screwed sideways.

A friend of mine once told me to embrace everything. The converstation went somewhere along these lines:

Me: Uff!
Friend: Just embrace all.
Me: Even if it screws you sideways?
Friend: Look on the bright side, you could be screwed diagonally. Hence, embrace.
Me: Ooo.
Friend. Yeah.

And you can sort of imagine the rest.

Embrace, my ass.

I'll sit here and sigh like the insomniac that I've now become.

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

Suddenly my clock comes into the foregroud accidentally on purpose. How those SOBs manage to do that is beyond me.

Tick Tock. Tick Tock.

I glare at it, and for a second consider having a staring contest. Hell, I didn't consider, I went ahead and did it anyway.

1:19 A.M.

And I saw it. Clear and lucid.

I saw how I was alien to the crowds.
I saw how I excluded my own self in this self preserving way.
I saw how I built a batman armor around myself.
I saw how I breathed in nonchalence till I was a vaccum inside.
I saw the truth turning into an illusion.
I saw how I narrowly catergorized and scrutinized.
I saw how I pushed second chances aside and refused to believe in them.
I saw the longing for me to speak and not just talk.
I saw my barriers become more solid and no one approach them.
I saw how I craved contact with a personality pulsating with energy and complexity.
I saw how I pushed everything away.
I saw how I kept my distance farway so I could easily flee.
I saw how I moved on.
I saw how it all became hazy.
I saw them become what they became and yet to me I stayed the same.
I saw when I stopped believing in light and embraced the grey's of life.
I saw the little trust I had in anything and anyone.
I saw the doubt that clouded me.
I saw the endless inner conflicts: To do or not to do?
I saw my failed attempts.
I saw my numerous joys.
I saw my hearfelt successes.
I saw my regrets.
I saw my ego trips.
I saw the finite circle of reality, and the light wave of fantasy.
I saw the innocence leaving me and coming back to hover at the surface.
I saw my naive inner child.
I saw my wiser cynical self.
I saw them clash and battle.
I saw how I became my own enemy.
I saw how I became my own hero.

I saw me and all my imperfections.

And I realized that this is my package. This is who I am. I am no jar. I am a bar of soap. A carved and weathered bar of soap - a direct result of time.

Suddenly I was tired. And total silence welcomed me into its home .

My eyes closed through a will of their own. They burned. I felt the tear glide, and my cheeks became a water slide.

I am imperfection incarnate. And I of that I'm proud.

I take a peek. Damn!

1:19 A.M.
Looks like the clock won again - even if accidentally on purpose.

And just like that, sleep came over me. And for that while, I succumbed to the realm of the dead, at peace with myself.

8 Response to "Accidentally On Purpose."

  • M Says:

    Those moments before ur head hits the pillow are always tough, u somehow see the real you, not always an image u want to face.. ur vision becomes clearer, more focused and u see things u don't want to see..

    beautifully written..

  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Those moments are moments of a harsher reality out there. Yet somehow, right after that you are rewarded with fantasy- the ability to dream and conjure anything your heart desires. It's a balance, I guess.

    Thanks for the comment :P

  • Erroneous Says:

    You have no idea how much this spoke to me! (I rarely say that, fyi)

    You couldn't have done a better job, this number is perfection! I enjoyed every second spent reading it, and I can't wait for more :*

  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Thank youuu! Means alot to me! You're a great writer yourself too! I'm working on the next ones, Inshalla you'll like them just as well.

    Thanks for the comment ;)

  • Monwa Says:

    ok its the first time afta7 ur blog because of ur great comments on other peoples blogs lool bas mashalla i love the way you write oo i still didnt read a post

    a7isich wise lamma titkalimain kil man yaskit

    u may think its weird bas thats what i think ;)

  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Monwa... Thank you!!! Wise, I'm probably far from, but I do try to understand...and if you think I'm wise, then I'm much flattered.

    Thank you for visiting and the lovely comment ;)

  • super-sonic Says:

    Wow, this post is genius work!

    You described a moment which happens very often in my life, a moment where everything seems to pause and a movie-like reel of thoughts play through my mind, all the notions they don't make sense most of the time but are reflections of some feelings I have within my sub-conscious mind that I didn't know/didn't want to know they exist.

    They way you wrote this post reminds me of Tyler Durden of Fight Club, one of my favorite movies of all time.

    This is my favorite post until further notice.

  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Aww. I'm much flattered really.

    Yeah, this moment sort of reoccurs repeatedly in my life too.
    It's like slow motion. And you just listen to yourself trying to tell you things that you try hard to overlook, sometimes not see, and sometimes don't want to hear.

    To be satsified with the person that one is, to me is the greatest accomplishment.

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