Victim of My Imagination.

Hey!

I drafted this right after "Cemetery Of Mistakes." but I couldn't publish it yet, because it was missing something elemental then. 

But here it is today, in the way I think best expresses what I want to say.
 

Enjoy.

Carpe Diem ;)
_________________________________________________________________
 
...A page from the journal of a once stupid, now wiser mind

Entry # 137: 

At first I liked your friend:

He wasn't hot; he was cute. 
He wasn't well built, he was chubby. 
He didn't have a rich baritone laugh: he blushed. 
But he was who he was, and I was who I was, and I liked your friend.
I never told him. I don't know if he figured it out. 
He wasn't my type, nor I his. 
I was the girl with the glasses and the sharp tongue. 
And he was the shy lazy boy who didn't care.
But I liked him anyway.

It wore away, just like every time.

And then I liked you:

You weren't hot: You were normal.
You weren't well built: You were average.
You didn't have a rich baritone laugh: you had a devil's guffaw
But you were who you were, and I was who I was, and I liked you.
I never told you. I don't know if you figured it out.
You weren't my type, nor I yours. 
I was the girl with the glasses and the sharp tongue.
And you were the outgoing crazy boy who didn't care.
But I liked you anyway.

It wore away, just like every time. But it just took a while to fade.

*****

I sit here today and I conjure up those days: 

You enjoyed my company, as much as I enjoyed yours.
You talked more, but I spoke more.
You laughed more, but I smiled more.
You took a lot, and I gave a lot.
You tried to give, but I refused to take much.

That imbalance was our downfall.

Yet because of me, you are the person that you are today.
And because of you, I am the person that I am today. 

*****

I sit here and recall the misplaced humor - when you didn't get my quips and my dry sarcasm, and thus, I ended up explaining them all. 

I sit here and remember when I tried to open up, but you failed to understand my line of thoughts.

I sit here and remember when I ignored you because you were no longer adequate.

I sit here and I'm reminded of how we talked about your infatuations with x, y and z - while I inwardly cringed with disappointment.

It's sad. All those years I silently liked you. All those times I tried to figure out if you liked me too - to this day, I'm not sure if you ever did. All those days I sat there and tried to replay and psychoanalyze every one of our moments together. To only see what I wanted to see each time around. All those hours I put aside to fantasize and dream. 

Still, at he back of my mind, I knew that you weren't right. 

Then , inevitably, you began to grown small - less important, less pleasing, less fun, less fulfilling.

And small you did become. 'Till you wouldn't do anymore. And discarded you were. 
Insignificant. Ever-fading. 

I know you wondered why, and you tried to come back - but I fought you more. And in the end, I got what I wanted.


I once liked you- but the 'you' that I once liked, was one of my own creation. 

For that, forgive me, for I have wronged you.


The real 'you' was no more than a victim of my imagination. 

*****

I was the girl with the glasses and the sharp tongue. 
You were the outgoing crazy boy who didn't care. 
And that imbalance was our downfall. 

5 Response to "Victim of My Imagination."

  • ❛❛Heroine❜❜ Says:

    Your writing is beautiful, and I'm afraid that doesn't do this piece justice. I've never met anyone who could be so expressive and yet so concise. Saved, definitely showing it to my friend tomorrow.
    I'm glad I decided to check your blog! <3


  • slouchypants Says:

    I can't believe this is the first time I check out your blog :O

    *clears throat* (Warning: Gay comment ahead.)

    It's been forever since I found a blog that made me go crazy over it! and this, definitely made me tip the crazy scale! You single handedly restored my faith in blogs, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing so.

    *Sobs hysterically just for the sake of sobbing hysterically*


  • M Says:

    hmm.. I thought I commented yesterday.. where did it go?

    anyway.. I must sat I agree with Slouchy, I was just telling someone yesterday how great ur writing is! I absolutely love everything u write!

    Sometimes you build someone up to be something they're not, you fall in love with the image in your head and then when you're faced with reality you get disappointed..


  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Heroine: Thank you!! Although, if it were up to me, I wouldn't say I'm concise, I'm infamous for my run on sentences and long dramatic speeches :P. I'm glad you checked out my blog too and Welcome ;)

    slouchypants: Well helllo there. I have to tell you, I just love the name! I'm flattered. So much for toning the ego down. Keep commenting like this, and I'll think I can fly. And I might try it. Again :P. Maybe they'll make a small role for me on Heroes by then! I do believe you are giving me more credit that I could ever take, so I'm going to be the good girl that my mother dearest raised (btw, this part of me rarely functions: its rusty) :P and *blush shyly* and say thank you all the same. If its any consolation, your blog and a couple of others was the reason I decided to blog :P So thanks for that too I guess!

    *Gives you a kleenex and pats you on the back, in hopes of drying up your tears*.
    Oh and enjoy Switzerland... I was there a during my 'Europe Escapades' 2 weeks ago.

    M: You probably did comment when I decided to change my layout, which again didn't allow people to comment for some gay reason. Those things just hate me. I mean I know I'm not your 'save the world and must have peace" person but come on! I'm the lesser of the two evils when compared to many other things...like satan himself etc. Its okay for you to love everything I write, because I love everything you write too!

    And yeah... sometimes you create yourself a persona and just give it someone's face. And next thing you know... you get bitchslapped in the face when you realize it was all a sham that you made. *sigh*.


  • jules Says:

    this is just amazing.
    im loving everybit of it
    i can relate, i might not be as old as you are.
    but i can relate and i like this so very much.
    i will keep reading your posts
    i guess i actually found a blog thats pretty awesome.

    roadtocolor.blogspot.com
    i need feedback. i need readers.


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