Cemetery of Mistakes.

So far so good; still keeping away from the void! I really do enjoy writing these short pieces. They are, at the end of the day, mostly for me – to find some sort of closure, or to simply come to terms with all the different emotions that surround us – that keep us together, yet singularly apart. 

Enjoy!

Carpe Diem ;)

__________________________________________________________________________________________

You called to say hi.
I didn't pick up. 

You texted to tell me that you called to say hi.
I didn't text back.

You wrote on my Facebook wall to tell me that you called and texted to say hi.
I didn't write back.

You sent me an email to tell me that you called, texted and wrote on my wall to say hi.
I didn't reply.

You called again.
Still, I didn't pick up.

We both know why.


And just between you and I - let the rest of the world lay silent for a while and turn a blind eye - what you really wanted say is an audible 'hi', and an unspoken 'sorry'.

That pitiful plain 'sorry'. 


What do you have to say 'sorry' for?


For trusting me? For all those times you came to me in pieces, and I put you back together? For needing me more than I needed you? For asking me those questions you couldn't answer alone? For giving you the answers you didn't want to, but had to hear? For pressing your brakes when you lost control? For listening when you wanted to speak? For the company of two, rather than the lonesomeness of one? For our endless adventures? For our philosophical roundabouts? For our vivacious laughter? For your understanding? 


Why would you be ‘sorry’?


For pretending I didn't exist for a while? For not asking me what happened? For siding against me? For your greed for attention? For my pride and stubbornness? For my distance? For never confronting me? For my indifference at times? For my momentary naiveté? For never taking the time to understand? For never asking me to explain? For running away at the slightest sign of a storm? For being selfish in your own delight to mourn my loss? For being equals?

No, you don’t have anything to be ‘sorry’ about. Not at all. 

You made a choice. And I made another. 
Then they collided, and you chose you over me. 
You chose your own happiness over my amity.
It was easier for you to turn a blind eye than care about what you left behind.
Ignorance was ever better than reality. And it always will be. 
All of a sudden, I simply didn't matter.
And you turned to them, and I became nothing more than a figment of your past.
What's one person as opposed to many? - 'Nothing' you seem to have decided.
One small betrayal. It would cost nothing at all.


You have nothing to be ‘sorry’ for.
Give your 'sorry' to those much in need of it.
I don't. I never did.

If anything, I deserve this. Because deep inside, I made the greatest betrayal of all. I betrayed myself and let you in. I gave you a value that surpassed who you really are. I saw in you an illusionary real.  

I let you see behind my broken smile. Little as that might be. 



But unlike your precedents - you gave me the greatest gift of all.
Because now I know- 
That I'll never have anyone but me; 
That I'll never love anyone but me;
That I'll never hate anyone but me;
That I'll never make it without me.

No, you have nothing to be 'sorry' for.

*****

I reminisced the minute you called.
I forgave you the minute you texted.
I forgot you the minute you wrote on my wall.
I buried you the minute you emailed.
And by the time you called again, you ceased to exist.


Because by then – you were just another corpse in my cemetery of mistakes.
 
*****

You called to say hi.
But I had already long said goodbye.

9 Response to "Cemetery of Mistakes."

  • Monwa Says:

    OMG!!!!
    AMAZING!!
    loved it loved your writing.. this sounds gay but it touched me


  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Thank youuu! Haha, no, it doens't sound gay. These peices are meant for people to relate and I'm glad you can relate - everyone has been betrayed, and betrayed themselves along the way so its only natural to be touched ;)
    Thanks for commenting!


  • M Says:

    I hate the word sorry, to me it seems so meaningless, so easy. You make a mistake, say sorry and somehow expect all the effects of ur actions to be erased.. I honestly find it difficult to accept sorry. As usual, loved the piece :**


  • eldctora Says:

    wow.. this is the first post i've read in ur blog oo i'm blown away..

    amazing.. i'm still stunned

    i loved this,

    I reminisced the minute you called.
    I forgave you the minute you texted.
    I forgot you the minute you wrote on my wall.
    I buried you the minute you emailed.
    And by the time you called again, you ceased to exist.


    wow.. still stunned lol


  • Erroneous Says:

    That I'll never have anyone but me;
    That I'll never love anyone but me;
    That I'll never hate anyone but me;
    That I'll never make it without me.

    This is so true. In the end of the day, a person only has his/her own self. No one really matters, because we'll always be alone. We were born alone, and we'll die alone.

    Too cynical? Sorry, couldn't help it.


  • Lilo Says:

    Your writing is flawless, mashalla. I kept re-reading this post, it's incredible. I even bookmarked it, shh, I'm kinda dorky like that :$ It's just really good!

    I want to say that it's your best post ever but I'm sure you'll outdo yourself once again, great job hun :*


  • Carpe Diem Says:

    M - I hate the word 'sorry' more than you could ever imagine! It does nothing, and is the crappiest 'word' in the entire english dictionary. Seriously! Thanks for loving the peice, i'm sure the feeling is mutual ;p.

    eldctora - Welcome to my blog, I guess :P. Haha, inshalla I'll keep stunning you. Thanks for visiting!

    Erroneous - Yup. Alone till the end of time, forever and always. We are seperate entities after all. "We were born alone, and we'll die alone." - I concurr.
    It's okay, I guess I can't help but be my cynical self either :P

    Lilo - Thank you. My writing is far from flawless, but I'm flattered you think so! I bookmark posts too, some just keep you re-reading! Thanks again for visiting, and I await your new post!


  • super-sonic Says:

    I've felt like this before, I can really relate to it. The disappointment in myself for letting someone in who wasn't supposed to be let in.

    Love this post.


  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Yeah. It was a huge disappointment. But we learn and move on right?
    I know I'll make the mistake another day far in the future, but not anytime soon. Lesson learned the hard way.

    Thank you. =)


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