An Early Ultimatum.

So I was sent to my room, after being scolded for apparently not having any sense of direction, to develop a vision and plan ahead. 

Nothing is wrong with my vision: wait until my series download, and then watch them. Oh, and make it through Uni alive.

As for planning ahead. Well I'll give you planning ahead:


1. Now it’s the uni.
2. Next its cats, romance novels and cookie dough ice cream. Maybe work.
3. And then, guess what? I'm getting married. And I'm doing it on my own terms too. 
It can't be that hard. I mean, please: If I can live with the cats, I can live with the hubby too. 
 
  Marriage:
  When- n/a
  Where- Preferably on some set in Bollywood ;)
  How -n/a
  Who - TBA.

=).  

This is me making provision for my future:

_________________________________________________________________

Hey Honey aka Hubby!

Wherever you are.

Whoever you might be.

I decided to write you.

Why you ask?

I'm late for everything. Late for applying to uni. Late to uni. Late to the airpor(I'm the person who's name you hear being called out in the speaker asking me to *hurry my ass up and get on the goddman plane*). I'm late growing my wisdom teeth (they haven't showed up yet). I'm late remembering birthdays.

So yeah.

I'm being early for once.

And I'm writing to you.

You know. Just so you're prepared.

And so I have the satisfaction of being early!

Weird, you say.

Mutually beneficial, I reply.


So yes. Hi there honey.

Oh, consider yourself lucky, 'cause 'honey' is all the endearment you're ever going to get from these lips of mine.

"Love" *snorts* - The only person I call love, is when I'm in a meeting with me, myself and I. They're the love.

"Baby" - If I call you that, then what I am going to call the baby we're going to procreate?

"My Other half" - *pfft*. I was born complete. The first half is me. The second half is me. A half and a half, well that makes a whole me =). 


"My Soul Mate" - Lucky for you I don't believe in that crap, honey, because well that might mean when I marry you, and you're not my soul mate then I'll be miserable and blame you. And that won't be your cup tea. Hell, it won't even be close to your glass of guava juice. 

"Dear" - That's what I plan on calling the baby when she/he grows up.

There, now that's all settled - and no hard feelings honey, all this is for our future happines, whenever that might be - we can get to the details.

Hmm. Yes. The details.

Honey, do me a favor. Go to www.dictionary.com and look up 'marry'. You'll get something like this:

"mar·ry [márree] - transitive verb- to join two people in marriage: to officiate at somebody's marriage ceremony and give legal sanction or a religious blessing to the marriage."

Now read that again honey.

And then make sure you never associate that with the word 'marry'. Ever. 'Cause guess what? This time the dictionary's wrong!

Here's what 'marry' really means and if I were you, I would start memorizing:

"mar·ry [márree] - transitive verb - to share your life with someone, making every single nano-second matter. They become your paparazzi and you in turn become theirs, just no where near as annoying. You don't expect anything out of them that you're not willing to do either. You treat them as your equal, in the full meaning of the word. And never ever give them the bullshit about the men women issue."

Commit that to memory honey.

Oh, and notice how I didn't change the 'transitive verb' part - that's because that's what it is. When and if its over honey, you'll just be another transition to go through. Don't for a second think my life will end with you. Save that idea for the 1000 episode Mexican soaps.  

So where was I?

Oh yes- When I marry you, don’t for a second think you can go Macho on my ass. I'll just go all blowtorch on your balls =). I don't have any, but believe me; I can imagine it would kill. De-manned. Impotent for life. So think twice honey before you do something stupid like that. Your balls are on the line.  

Speaking of balls honey, when we pro-create, I want you experienced honey, so you can take me high up to the seventh sky.

Oh, and honey try showing those balls of your to anyone else when I marry you, and guess what you'll be. Yup, you got it. A eunuch. Aka castrated human male. And I'll keep ‘em in a jar for you to look at. And when they shrivel up and die, remember that's what happens when you smother a rose in a jar too. And right again honey, I'm the rose and you're the jar. So don't smother me honey, I don't like it. I need my air and space, so don't take ‘em from me.

What's more, you have to get my dry sarcasm honey. Because it's a dry as saw dust right now, and I don't know what state it will be in when I marry you. But one thing's for sure - it'll only get drier :p

Also, honey, you can't tell me what to do, unless you want me telling what you do. That's what kids are for honey. Tell them what to do. I'll tell you a secret honey: they made disobedience and then they made me :P. So, I'll be in charge of what I do.  Guide me- sure. Help me out- no problem. Give me your opinion -with arms wide open.

You don't have to love me honey, you just have to get me. Love alone is for fools. You just have to match me stroke for stroke every step of our time together- how ever long that might be - and throw back at me my caustic remarks with corrosive ones of your own. You have to neutralize me honey. That's all I'm asking. If you want to love me too, well I'll consider it a bonus, and you a paragon of generosity. And if that happens, then I'll negotiate with me, myself and I, and I'll try to give you a small corner of my heart. I can't promise you anything but a corner. And even that you'll probably have to work overtime to earn - extra nightshifts; p etc. Maybe you'll slowly work your way up. Who knows honey. Anything is possible. The Jonas Brothers are a hit band, and Hannah Montanna is not just your ordinary cowgirl - or so I'm told. See, I told you anything is possible.

And that little corner of my heart's got no warranty, honey. 'Cause once you damage it, you can't just go back and fix it. Damage it, and the Wrath of Con will be something bearable, by far.

So don't damage it honey. Take good care of it. It's that simple really.

But don't worry honey. This is just an early ultimatum - a life buoy if you must.

How considerate of me, you say.

I know, I reply.

Honey, its common sense. Handle me properly, and I'll give you wings. Fail to do so, and an early retirement to the underworld might not seem like such a bad idea.

That's all I really have to say for now, honey.

Thanks for listening honey.

Till we meet officially honey ;)

Bye Bye honey. 

___________________________________________________________________

Future outlook: Promising? Yes? No? Meh. I tried.


6 Response to "An Early Ultimatum."

  • slouchypants Says:

    "I got no emotions for anybody else.
    You better understand Im in love with my self,
    my beautiful self." - No Feelings by The Sex Pistols.

    I mean, really, who can possibly be better for me than myself? my "love" won't be wasted on some douchebag with a serious lack of functioning brain cells, really! he's just an arse, one big ugly arse!(Erm.. off topic? whatevs)

    I'm saving up so I could clone myself in the future. 'Cause oh how I would KILL to be with me! a mirror can only work to a certain extent, but a living breathing CLONE would be .. perfection. I'd be a lesbian for me, I definitely would! 'cause let's face it, I am one shmexy mo' fo'.

    *Steps off stage and leaves microphone behind*
    Enough self glorification for the day.. but come on, admit it, it's oddly attracting, innit? you know it is.

    In all seriousness, this was hilarious! lol I should write a letter for my future husband, too! (I doubt I'll ever actually get one of those) It would be something like..

    Hey, asshole, manscaping is a must, okay sugar plum? not a fan of hairy balls, not a fan at all. So take your lazy ass to the toilet and start trimming, foo!

    If you refuse to do so, then I'll do it myself. Such a loving wife, I know! but if I accidentally cut something off, I want you to know it was on purpose.

    Snip snip.

    About the previous post and your reply to my comment, ME? inspiring someone to start blogging? I honestly CAN NOT see how that's possible :P I'm the worst blogger in the history of bloggers! (NOT doing this for an ego boost. I obviously don't need it, my ego is too inflated min a9lo :P)

    I've been leaving lengthy comments all over the place ... I should learn to shut my pie hole.

    Oh one last thing, what does a person do in Switzerland? 'cause I'm finding this country one big snooze fest! and I don't do well in countries like that. I'm so bored that I'm considering being a part-time prostitute.

    I kid, I kid.
    Not.
    Whatever(?)


  • Carpe Diem Says:

    Nobody is better than yourself!
    Seriously. Nothing even comes close to being close.
    I hereby publicly declare my undying love for myself. There.

    Haha! I would so not mind being a lezbo for me either. And I guess for those who have a problem with that, well they can clone themselves and then have their clones (or themselves) undergo a sex change. This is the perfect solution to all marital and relationship issues! It would be THE LOVE!

    I'll agree that you're a sexy mo;fo;, if you agree that I'm sex on a stick, Till then no deal :P

    What's more, you can never have enough self glorification ;P. Ever. If not for yourself, who else would you glorify?

    I will not begin talking about the influx of douchebags with a brain submerged in a peanut shell - I could write books. They're nice but butt ugly and retarded, hot but dumb to make the coyote in the road runner look like a friggin genuis, and hot and nice with a boyfriend. And I don't plan on being the third wheel or an episode out of 'Two guys and a girl". Ugh, No wonder china put a quota on kids.

    lol. Hairy balls - i'm not a fan either! Ew. I think, if I get married, I will so take my husband waxing with me. That is if I dont get him do the laser hair removal surgery as my marriage gift: *suprise honey, you're hairless! Silky smooth*. Ugh. Hate overly hair men. Now I'm going to keep thinking about this! Just great :P Dude, we are so having a discussion about hairy balls. Not really unbelievable, but still... meh why not? Topic of the day.

    Don't worry, you'll get married and you'll like his balls :P They created human robots. So if worst comes to worst, you can design you very own hubby :P With specifications and all!

    Oh, and yes you did inspire me to blog. Omg, I remember when I read your story on your old blog, where the main character likes Ryan. I had an english commentary due the next day, and I was msn-ing, watching shows, and avoiding the commentary at all costs, till I stumbled on your blog. And then I laughted my ass off for like an 1 and a half. I especailly liked the part where she just licks his whole face, oh and the message she tries to send but he reads. Ah, it was refreshing I tell ya! I made my friend read your blog too.

    As for egos, rather overly inflated than deflated. I love people with egos, they remind me of my self so much that I just feel all normal again. you know? They're like my happy place =)

    I don't really mind the lengthy comment :P It was fun replying to.

    As for Switzerland, well it depends how long you're staying and where. Me and my cousins and friends stayed for a week in Geneva. Then we decided we had enough of reproductive-organs-shaped lollipops and people trying to sell us retarded booze infested lemonade. Other than that, the country is too goddman peaceful for my taste. You can alwasy visit the UN bureau and WHO there and negoitiate your cloning ideas:P. Oh, the Cathedral of Saint Peter is really nice. Other than the parks (Place Neuve was my fav), the shopping, the shitloads of banks all over the place, well you might as well take pointers from the prostitutes. See, the only thrill was that my parents actually thought I was staying in Paris with a cousin who studies there. But I went Euro-escapading. May I never see the day they find out about all this.

    Wow this is long. So before I make you regret that you ever commented I shall end this :P


  • slouchypants Says:

    You ARE sex on a stick :O

    I wouldn't want him to have hair down there, BUT I hate hairless guys, too gay :O I like their hairy arms .. nomnomnom! makes me want to lick them.

    Ahh, my story, yeah. 'Twasn't a story, more like a diary where I wrote "my" story, which makes it a story....anyway, yeah, I'm the "character who likes Rayan" and yes, Rayan's real. So yeah, I DID lick his whole face (which was NOT a sexy thing to do. I actually continued to lick his face regularily.. don't judge me, I have an obsession with licking guys.. I'm sharing too much aren't I?) What was I talking about? ah yeah, real story and whatnot.. but we broke up a month ago so ... yeah! and I'm being gay by discussing my relationship with a stranger. BTW you should've commented back then, we would've became friends by now :( tsk tsk tsk, shame on you! can we skip the whole "Getting to know each other" process and be friends?

    Yeah? No? You're deleting your blog to run a way from me? doesn't matter, I like you, so we're friends whether you like it or not. I rarely find bloggers that I actually like so, yeah, lucky you and stuff :P BESTEST FRIENDS FOREVAH! GLITTER, BUTTERFLIES, LIP BALMS AND ALL THAT JAZZ.

    HA! dude that's so cool :O I love doing crazy stuff that really don't make any sense(like you going to Switzerland without informing your parents) When I used to study in England, I used to go on trips to random places like ... Sheffield.. just for the sake of riding the train :D I suck, I know. Hmph, whatever.

    I will shut up as well, so I won't look like a pathetic weirdo :O which I am NOT!

    I go.


  • ❛❛Heroine❜❜ Says:

    I'm too scared to comment ;x my comment fails in comparions to slouchy's ..

    But, i shall swallow my.. fear(?).. and set forth.

    Firstly, I'm glad you're already ruling out the dear of using corny temrs of endearment. I myself am extremely terrified of using anything close to barf-worthy so I refrain from said terms.

    Secondly, I love how you moved on from a corner of your heart to a Hannah Montana reference. Only sheer genius could draw such comparisons.

    And lastly, I must draw attention to your lack of love for hair... down there. I rhyme, I rhyme. Anyway, just say "drop your hair at the door and I'll show you much more" Oh my God, kill me now, I'm on a roll...


  • ❛❛Heroine❜❜ Says:

    comparison*

    epic fail numero dos.


  • Carpe Diem Says:

    slouchypants :
    Then you ARE one sexy ass mofo :P

    Okay so I agree. I think the ideal would be some chest hair and leg hair and arm hair. But no hair down there. Hairless men do give off this homosexual vibe. You know? Oh. Worst case scenario, when the woman has more hair than her husband.*depressing thought*. As for licking male hairy arms, I've yet to try that! Haha.

    Yes, your diary. Well I really really liked it. It was just different you know? Nah, never mind, different is the gayest word to use in this case. It was uniquely special. And it definetly made my day whenever I read an entry. And Rayan should definetly count his lucky stars. As for licking his face, why not? Maybe its not a so-sexy thing to do, but its a-crazy-and-oddly-satisfying-some-impluse thing to do - so that's all that matters right?. I wouldn't mind licking guys, as long as they are lickable material and they have to taste good. Besides, if the taste gets bitter, you can always spit it back out on its proper place on their face :P

    Hmm. All things come to an end (I'm a firm believer in Murphy's Law). Even guys who don't mind being licked. I guess what matters is the person you become when its all over and how satisfied you are being that person. I'm sure you'll meet someone else - good lickers don't stay single for long lol :P - its like a law of the universe. And yeah, life will go on. It's what it does best.

    I guess should of commented back then, but I didn't. Don't know why :/. I guess I just sort of enjoyed being a silent reader. It has its own small advantages if you know what I mean. Worst part is when you just love yourself so much you can commit - Me :)... I run away from commitment without looking back. It suffocates me :( in this very retarded unexplainable way. Oh well.

    We can so skip the whole 'getting to know each' process and just be friends. Much much funner that way. The whole getting to know people process sucks the life out of everything. And lucky me! I hardly find anyone (not just bloggers) I like, so you thank the cosmos that I like you too :D.
    No, I don't plan on deleting my blog any time soon, till then you're a most welcomed vistor :P Consider it your turf as much as it is mine, and say whatever whenever you like :P

    Oh yes, BFFS FOREVA AND EVA MORE. The idea just excites me! ( <-- I mean this in the most platonic way ever!)

    I live for crazy things. I just can't do normal things. They are too dull for me. I need to feel that adrelanine rush. And yeah, they never need to make sense. You think it, you do it. Consequences be dammed, I'll deal with them when I'm free. The funnest thing ever is sitting next to the hookers on the subway for the hell of it. *sigh* I do miss Europe. I love the train! It's so relaxing. But I have to have music. Oh god, I cannot do the whole tracks and railroad noises!

    It's my turn to go now, before I start saying gibberish - it's not like I need to ramble anymore than I already do. But my rambelng is just cool, it outcools even the best of 'cool' and you know it ;)

    Oh God, I never should of overdosed on Chuck Norris jokes in highschool. They just had a bad effect on people with egos!

    All right. Fine. I'm leaving.


    ❛❛Heroine❜❜:
    Haha. Thanks for commenting. And yes, you are so on a roll with the rhymes. And no, not epic failure. I've been there, trust me its much worse than this.

    Ugh, terms of endearment just kill. Glad we agree on that point. I mean honey is more than enough for my hubby.

    And as for your second point, that just proves how messed up and scattered my thoughts are.
    Seriously. Lol. they are just all over the place I don't even know how I make sense when I write most of the time.

    Ahh yes, I hate hair. I don't get why even have it all - as females I mean. Guys, like I said to slouchypants sprinkles here and there...and not down there. At all.


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